No Philosophy, Just Feelings

A better camouflage than mine

Trip down this road April 4th 2010

This is not a fun read. It is not meant to be. I’m told I write well; I suppose that means it is comprehendible without being boring. I’m not sure this will follow that equation, but I write because I can look for answers far and wide through the help of technology, and that maybe it will help me unravel my emotions and understand our cognitive selves.

My dad’s best friend, a close and loving uncle to me, passed away a week ago. He was in the hospital because his heart surgery didn’t go so well last year, or his heart didn’t have the strength to heal all the way, or because he didn’t help it too much by his occasional drinking and smoking. What ever it was, I resented that he didn’t take care of himself too well and that he was going to be gone long before the age of 60. I blocked him out, there by blocking my dad out. I didn’t ask what exactly was wrong or how dad felt having to be beside him and at hospitals for days on end, or uncle’s progress or situation every time he was admitted into the hospital.

The end did come. Dad said he was on a ventilator and only had a day or two. The next morning, my father sent me a text message saying my uncle was no more. My initial reaction was to feel pain and sympathy for my father. The dead don’t hurt and I didn’t know my uncle’s family at all. He was a single man, no partner, no children, who loved my father, and they were boys every time they got together. I was one of my uncle’s favorite kids, because I was born when my dad was young, and because he hung around me so much when I was little. He would ask me what I wanted and get it. My dad would reprimand me and say that I was abusing his love. But I knew well that I liked the show of affection as much as my uncle liked to give it and see me hop along happy.

They are similar people: socially out going, with a large number of friends and well wishers, but personally introverted. They would share the good times with everyone but maybe one or two would be permitted to see them at a bad time, much less hear them talk about it. Why else would he send me a text message about his best friend’s passing away? It is something that is beyond the spoken word, a sound to break the silence, a surrender to The All Powerful. Yet, they shared so many memories when times were simple and life was full of joy. I have no idea if they found comfort in each other as people moved into a faster life; I assume so. They were old school boys.

My dad just returned today from the small town the funeral and the following rituals took place. He looks tired and worn, and though we don’t have long conversations, I had to ask him if he wanted to talk. We hadn’t talked through the whole ordeal that went on for months, off and on. I was ashamed it was too little too late, but no matter how I felt, he deserved to talk away from all the people, at his house.

My father simply said there was nothing to talk about but the loss of his friend. And even then there was nothing to talk about. I asked if he would be home for a while because he had been travelling so much. Big mistake. He replied that since his work was done by the death of his best friend, he didn’t know what else there was to do but stay home. I want to say I understand, but I don’t. I can feel the physical pain and suffering in him; if you stand close enough, it feels like stepping into a dark vortex. I hurt as much as I can, as much as I am capable of, and try to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, but I know I haven’t seen the bottom of his sadness; it is a deep black hole and I can’t pretend to know how deep it is. Without having an idea of that, I can’t help; don’t know how or where to begin. I cry more for my dad than my uncle. I am helpless. I love my father. His loss is palpable.

Love comes in different forms, but I think love innately requires some basic, central fiber. It is an acceptance of some one’s faults because one thinks the positive qualities out weigh the negative; it is being able to support them and help them in their course without pushing one’s own ideas onto them; it is being able to correct them comfortably but letting the ultimate decision of right or wrong be the loved one’s; it is being able to forgive their mistakes because all humans err; it is simply giving what one can willingly and always wishing them the best. Even as simple as I think this is, I know it is hard to do with our egos and monies and power plays and prestige causing us to trip over ourselves. Even more, I feel worse for those who are unable to accept and recognize such love in what ever form it comes their way, whether it is due to low self worth or other “insecurities”. As modern people, we have more issues, it seems.

Innocence, quite different from ignorance

It should be in life that we help and serve each other, not in death. My father and uncle have shown me that by having this deep, respectful, life time bond for each other. I hope to be able to die with one friend so loving and good and understanding. But for now all I can do is pray that time heals what I hope is not a permanent hole in my father’s heart. I am not sure whether I want to pray that I can find a friendship that strong and long lasting on my side, for I am afraid I will not carry the loss of it with such restraint and dignity. I would rather be a coward and have superficial short term relationships while I eagerly build walls around myself, thicker and higher, so that I may never know the depth of my dad’s loss, the truth about friendship, the shape that love can take, the joy that we can bring each other or the end that can blind us as we stare ahead.

For my loving uncle whose only fault was that he was always young at heart: May he rest in peace. We love you and miss you. Who will get me the best mangoes this year? It is almost season. No one will care about the small joys of life as much as him.

Good bye, dear uncle.

Trip Taken December 2008

A very English sight overall, near Trafalgar square

The end of 2008 was coming up. I was in India. First off, New Year’s isn’t right when it is still hot. Second, how can New Year come without Christmas, if not a white Christmas? This wasn’t making much sense at all. And things have to make sense. So as I panicked and when my father saw me re-acting to a weather driven frenzy, he simply said, “Go far enough to get the feeling, but not all the way to the US.” Alright then, London sounded great. A good friend of mine was doing his masters there and mercifully decided not to go away some where himself during his holidays. So I booked my ticket to land in Heathrow on the 24^th, Christmas Eve.

Heathrow Airport is the busiest airport in the world. It took forever to walk out. Then the cold hit me outside and the merry feeling set in. I was wearing a coat, scarf and boots, feeling good about being able to use my winter wear again. Then the London experience began, unraveling itself as if in an old English movie, beginning with the ride in “The Tube”, as the local train system is commonly referred to.

The ride takes you above ground for a while, and I could see the old English houses, row homes as we call them, with the chimneys going. It was cinematic moment for me, so much so that I forgot to take pictures! It hadn’t snowed there yet. So for now, it was a typical over cast London winter day.

Leicester Square, my direct destination from Heathrow Airport

It was around 6pm when we got off at Leicester Square, a popular square for evening fun. Since it was that time of the year, the square was decorated with lights and filled with fun fair games like air guns to win a stuffed animal, carousels, ball games etc. It was colorful and full of life. I can’t repeat myself enough when I say the Christmas feeling was in me so much, I practically felt my eyes absorbing the blue, green and red lights as if to charge up for the next year.

So, as my friend Siddharth is a party animal and somehow decided the best time to be had in London was to be in a bar in London, he walked me and my luggage right into his friend’s bar and the party began at Yates’s, this popular bar at the square. The whole square was alive and kicking until late, people from such diverse backgrounds talking around me. I really had to look hard to find a proper English person in the square. But I thought maybe it was just a touristy night, I have time yet.

Carnaby Street decorated for Christmas

Christmas day, as in the US, is a holiday for all things commercial, so it was just walking around the neighborhood of Woodgreen, North London. I think one of the key things to absorb about London is the look – the old English lamps on the streets, the neighborhood stores above which are apartments, the mom and pop eateries, the slanted roofs touching each other, the narrow stair cases and hall ways of buildings none of which are over three floors, all with the Queen’s touch.

Oh the London double decker buses and the taxis and more Christmas cheer on Oxford Street

Since there is no Thanksgiving in London, their Black Friday is the day after Christmas, the 26^th, and the shopping frenzy begins. It definitely is a fashionable place to go shop; the royals are still there so things must climb all the way up to their and their friends’ satisfaction. The more popular street is Oxford Street, and the walk can be long if you go one way and walk back the other, and take hours even if you do nothing but see all the brands and non-brands that are on sale. The crowd pores out of the Tube and people move in waves, it seems. The signature double-decker buses and the black London cabs make their way through the crowds just to make the picture perfect.

The best way to see and feel the heart of the city is to walk it, I feel. It is similar to New York; it is a strong financial centre and the second most visited city next to Paris, it has old and new architecture side by side, it holds all the entertainment in the form of theatre and museums with a royal touch, at the end it lets one know the true strength of London as a power house, a cultural centre, its history and the sparkle of the English touch. The accent is not so bad either!

The London Eye and beyond from River Thames

Typically, a walk from Leicester square to Trafalgar square (popular for political demonstrations along with the Nelson’s Column and central fountain), walk down to 10 Downing Street and past the Parliament House, to Westminster Palace to Clock Tower, Big Ben, and finally end up at River Thames and the Big Eye. It is truly worth spending time along this path. It is the heart of London, the old red telephone booths so well blended with the old style taverns, showing off its resilience to modern changes.

Random art on the side wall of a building

The London Eye is the Ferris wheel on the banks of River Thames. A new addition though it is (1999), the ride is popular and offers a bird’s eye view of London, and is quite a sight if the day is clear. But London is so popular for its over cast days, so don’t be too disappointed if its not a clear movie, its still adds to the experience to look at London through hazy eyes!

London has its fair share of market places and open squares to add to the flavor. Similar to a lot of European countries, there are outdoor seating restaurants and pubs, performers in the squares, hand food and snacks, and some interesting art and handicrafts. It is a good way to spend the early part of the night before heading out to a late dinner. You may get full on a bite here and a bite there, and just decide to go home!

Like I said, London is very big and Central London itself can keep you busy for days on end. From Carnaby Street to Kingsley Street, around the corners of any lane around there, and there are a few other such fun areas that offer great boutique style shopping and late night energy. The night life is diverse and clubs are open late. I have to say the security on New Year’s Eve in Leicester Square in the form of gun power and show surprised me but was impressive.  

New Year's Eve security set up at Leicester Square

The rest is like any big city: you can’t cover every hidden secret but there are plenty you will stumble across and enjoy. Public transportation is the very best and the same card works for The Tube and the buses, so ask about a three day pass or the latest thing they have going and price it out. London is not cheap at all, so plan your day wisely; you may want to keep some money for shopping at the end of the day. I was lucky enough to follow my friend around and he was a great host and my stay was free, otherwise two weeks of London would have hit me pretty hard! I have to say though, I wish I did more… and tell you more, but I went into the arms of hard time party maniacs, during New Year’s, and fell sick for three days, so I will have to go again and get you guys more information!